Thinner, or just shallower?

I am once again remind­ed how the shal­low pud­dle of angst I live with is ridicu­lous next to the deep wells of angst that so many of those close to me expe­ri­ence in their lives. Read the pas­sion­ate post by my friend Halfway Between if you think I am mak­ing this up.

What do I have to com­plain about here? My clothes don’t fit — uncom­fort­able, but hard­ly a life-shak­ing cri­sis. What is at stake? Pre­cious lit­tle. I don’t like shop­ping for clothes. Well, no, that’s not true. I love shop­ping for clothes; I just can’t get over what they cost. I did­n’t have to wor­ry about this until I was out of col­lege. My moth­er always took me shop­ping to get what I need­ed, and I was­n’t ter­ri­bly fussy (or fash­ion­able) so cheap always did me just fine.

Now of course I have expen­sive tastes (in the­o­ry) but still can’t get my head around spend­ing thir­ty dol­lars (Amer­i­can) for a pair of jeans. And yes, I know that’s cheap (in the­o­ry) but I can’t seem to accept the fact in prac­tice. Hence my inabil­i­ty to own more than one pair of casu­al pants (that fit) at any giv­en moment.

I have led — for all my drama­tis­ing to the con­trary — a rather charmed life. I have not bat­tled dis­ease of body or mind or soul. I have not suf­fered any severe per­son­al injury. I have not lost loved ones to death. I have just strolled along, nev­er real­ly grow­ing up, nev­er real­ly tak­ing respon­si­bil­i­ty for my life. Yet I imag­ine myself liv­ing a life that is full of pain and depth. Some­times I think the only pain in my life is me: a pain in every­one else’s arse.

But any­way, I felt shal­low today. I don’t know if I real­ly am, but I shall strive not to be.

1 Comment

  1. Bean­er! You are a per­son with goals and dreams and, as a per­son with goals and dreams myself, I under­stand that it is enough of a strug­gle in life to make them hap­pen. Just being thrown off of a path that you felt was an absolute at one time in your life is enough to cre­ate ques­tions. The impor­tant thing is that, rather than wal­low in the bit­ter­ness of accep­tance, you have cho­sen to doc­u­ment your path as you see and expe­ri­ence it. Con­tin­ue to ques­tion what hap­pens around you. It is already more than most peo­ple achieve in their lifetimes.

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