Why do I write? And more apropos, why do I publish? What is it about my soul that drives me to put forth such an guttering stream of words, first in the pages of The Floating Egg and now in the guise of these Egg Yolks?
I crave an audience; there is no sense in beating around that bush. I always have. This is not to say that I am an exhibitionist (though I suspect that argument could well be made). I am by nature, and possibly by nurture as well, a very open person. Secrets do not suit me (although I am certainly capable of them when I feel the need) for I love to share. Often this has proven detrimental, and I have learned (and relearned) many hard lessons connected to this habitual loquaciousness over the past quarter century.
As a fruit of this very basic (and apparently inescapable) aspect of my personality, when I express myself (and I do so most well in written form) I want others to take notice. And by dressing my words up in careful formatting and parading them out with tiny trumpet sounds, I am making sure, as much as I can, that people are noticing.
Is there insecurity at work here? Of course. Am I really that desperate for validation as a writer and as a person? Indisputably yes. There is a need in me that writing for an audience — however small or even imaginary that audience may be — meets and satisfies. And in a (possibly perverse) way, the need makes the writing possible; the ‘pressure’ of the audience’s expectations (largely imagined) push me to write more, and better, and with greater frequency, than if I wrote for what I perceived to be my own pleasure. My writing dropped off dramatically after college, largely because I had grown dependent on assignments to drive my creative output. Historically the Egg, with it’s deadlines and growing readership, had provided a steady impetus for me. But spiritually exhausted by the most emotionally-grueling year I hope I ever have to live through, I could not even make that expectation move me to take up my pen and write.
Why I write at all may take some more fundamental self-excavation on my part to unearth. But I publish because I want to share, need to display, need to expose the output of my soul. This is one of the ways I do all that, and perhaps the most important to me, at least so far.
Next time we look ahead, and finally begin to grandstand as one should if one is going to use “manifesto” in one’s title: An Egg Manifesto, Part 3: Prospection